TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully from position. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But Indeed, confident, let us have A further place where by American Males can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It is that he should really stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the project, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head visible from House, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following finding the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where guests may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting awareness from international investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel wherever my PTSD might have change-down provider."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a Trump Tower Damascus "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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